“You actually sing like a train going off the rails.”

“It was a bit like watching a ship sink, that audition.”

“That sounded like Stevie Wonder with a really bad cold.”

“You sounded like Dolly Parton on helium.”

“You sounded like Cher after she’s been to the dentist.”

“You look like the Incredible Hulk’s wife.”

“Just what we needed — Sylvester Stallone’s younger sister singing Paula Abdul.”

“You sing like a 3-year-old girl dressed like LaToya Jackson.”

“It was a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun.”

“You sound like a cat in a vacuum cleaner. Dreadful.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you remind me of a pet poodle I used to have.”

“It was a little bit like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger.”

“You have the personality of a handle.”

“You walked in like a cocktail stick and then sang as if you’d sat on a cat. That was the audition.”

“You’re dressed as a guitar but also look like an insect singing country Western music.”

“It sounded like you’d gone to the dentist ten minutes ago.”

“It was almost like you were giving birth there at the end.”